I've really been struggling. I've been dealing with painful memories of when my water broke early and I was hospitalized for 22 days. During that time, I also developed pneumonia and was in icu for 4 days. I'd never been more scared in my life. They were going to intubate me and take Sadie. I'd even given David my permission to marry again if I didn't make it. He never cries, and I saw him break down. I'm from Georgia. Despite my critical health, my family didn't feel it necessary to fly out and see me. David was working (and still does) 60 hours a week and couldn't always see me every day. I had a handful of wonderful friend's come visit and awesome nurses. However, the loneliness and fear I had was unbearable. I cried almost every day (I don't remember a day I didn't cry). I'd never felt so alone and scared in my life.

When Sadie was born, the hospital I was at didn't have a NICU. I briefly held her but didn't see her again for 4 days. I came home to a very messy home, and my dogs clung to me. I visited my daughter in the NICU every day, cleaned all of her clothes and bedding. Nothing had been ready. Three weeks later, she came home. David's parents were supposed to come out and help but couldn't at the last minute. After so much bed rest, I had little energy but did eveything I could. I'm still sad and continue to deal with these painful memories. It actually helps to be back at work and have my mind preoccupied.

 I just feel that deep down I am very sad that this will likely be my one and only pregnancy, it was filled with so many complications that I was constantly worried, and I really feel so let down by family and even friends.

I want more than anything to have a second child and give my daughter a sibling. I'd even purchased extra meds for another cycle. We'd gone to see my re and he'd said he'd give us a great deal to try again. Well, weeks later I get the call from the clinic, and this "deal" is beyond our financial means. We have a lot of debt from the IUIs and two IVFs, and more debt is out of the question. I'm struggling to really acknowledge that "this is it" for us kid-wise.

I'm also really struggling with my weight. I've been eating healthier and jogging (slowly) 5-6x/week. My weight has not budged, and I still need to love over 35 lbs. I'm unhappy with myself and frustrated. I'd called my OB about my weight, and he ust told me I needed to eat less and exercise more. My thyroid is normal.